Rihanna’s Talking About Chris Brown!

Rihanna’s Talking About Chris Brown - The Superficial - Because You're Ugly

I wish I had Rihanna’s booty so badly, wait that didn’t come out rite. I meant I wish to the lord above that I had that azz. Well you know what the hell I mean!

Rihanna appears on the cover of Rolling Stone where she opens up about Chris Brown and sets the record straight on cutting him some slack via the restraining order and is surprisingly gracious about the whole thing without entirely letting him off the hook. Except don’t ask him about it or else you’re a “hater” trying to stop him from finding Jesus in his moonwalks or whatever the fuck Russell Simmons was saying through pancake metaphors. Anyway, here’s Rihanna talking about Chris and how insanely horny she is:

On easing the restraining order:
“That’s my decision. It doesn’t mean we’re gonna make up, or even talk again. It just means I didn’t want to object to the judge… [Chris Brown and I] don’t have to talk again ever in my life. I just didn’t want to make it more difficult for him professionally. What he did to me was a personal thing – it had nothing to do with his career. Saying he has to be a hundred feet away from me, he can’t perform at awards shows – that definitely made it difficult for him. That was the only thing it was going to change, so I didn’t care. But you can never please people. One minute I’m being too hard, and the next minute I’m a fool because I’m not being hard enough.”

On not being with anyone since breaking up with Matt Kemp in December:
“I’m not dating. I’m not sexing, I’m not even sexting. It’s on complete nil… You think you’re disappointed? Try being in this body… When you’re not with the person you want to be intimate with, a picture is the next best thing. Well, Skype is safer. But a picture lasts a long time. When you’re alone, and those horny moments come up, pictures can be very handy… I haven’t gotten a dick picture in a long time. I think people are a little afraid. It can turn out bad.”

On being into S&M:
“I like to be spanked. Being tied up is fun. I like to keep it spontaneous. Sometimes whips and chains can be overly planned – you gotta stop, get the whip from the drawer downstairs… I’d rather have him use his hands… I do think I’m a bit of a masochist. It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s not something I noticed until recently. I think it’s common for people who witness abuse in their household. They can never smell how beautiful a rose is unless they get pricked by a thorn.”

Of course that last quote is going to send every Chris Brown fan and Internet badass into a tizzy because if you haven’t followed the numerous threads here in the past few weeks, liking rough sex is an excuse to beat a woman’s face in and leave her for dead to these idiots. I mean, clearly it’s the same thing, isn’t it? “Nuance? What’s a nuance?” So, tell you what, why don’t you attempt that on the next person stupid enough to have sex with you (I’m being generous here.) and let us all know how it goes? “Well, she asked to be spanked mid-coitus, so I punched her repeatedly in the face instead. Turns out they arrest you for that and classify it as assault. I honestly had no clue, which might explain why I swallowed a nickel this morning. Get this: They’re not candy. My entire world is spinning out of control…”