GO USA WE THE BEST: MICHEAL PHELPS BREAKS ALL TIME RECORD AS ONLY PERSON EVER IN THE UNIVERSE TO WIN 19 MEDALS!

Wow! Color us impressed, Michael Phelps. The only way we’re getting into the record books is if we gain 1,700 lbs or bake the world’s largest cookie. Now that we think of it…we could probably kill two birds with one stone with that scheme… While we have the flour dispensary on hold, let’s take a moment to celebrate Phelps’ mind-shattering 19th career Olympic medal, the most won by any other Olympian in the history of the universe. After receiving a disappointing silver for the 200-meter butterfly earlier today, Phelps went on to win the gold for his 4×200-meter freestyle relay team. “Congrats to @MichaelPhelps for making Olympic history again tonight. Glad I had the honor of competing on the same stage as you. #TeamUSA,” teammate and total sweetheartRyan Lochte just tweeted.

As awesome as Phelps’ achievement is, we have to wonder: how can he ever top this? The guy is only 27 and he’s basically at the height of human achievement. Well, don’t worry, Mike. We’ve given this a lot of thought, and we have some solid suggestions for possible future careers. We mean, you can’t swim forever! Though of course, if anyone could it would be you.

1. First astronaut on Mars: Maybe if Phelps swims there! Haha. No, seriously. Has NASA ever explored this option? We don’t know what space is made out of, but if it’s anything like water, Michael could probably get there in by the end of the week.
2. First Olympian President: We know Michael’s name and that he’s good at something. He’s already ahead of the political game! This is also a great career option if Phelps wants to wear his American flag Speedos again and not feel weird about it.
3. Brain surgeon: Since there are already plenty of brain surgeons (just so many!), Phelps would have to be one of those first-in-his-field, splicing-frog-genes-into-his-patients’-DNA type of brain surgeons. There will be a couple lawsuits, but only until everyone realizes his patients can destroy destroy the competition in the 100-meter breaststroke.
4. Olympic coach: Okay, let’s be honest. This is probably what Phelps is going to end up doing. The way we see it, coaching is a win-win. If Phelps helps train the Olympian who goes on to bet his record, he has the satisfaction of knowing his knowledge lives on in a new generation. If no one ever beats his record…then Michael’s still the most winningest Olympian of all time! USA! USA! USA! Anyway, we’re pretty sure this guy is set for a long time. Right, Phelps?